Hurricane in my head

         Things have been busy lately, but I feel too much like a zombie to even notice it sometimes. I am just trying to keep up and not trampled. I'm not sure what would trample me because it seems like I am the one at the center of all this craziness. Yesterday I finished another class, a few credits closer to that fancy piece of paper with my name on it! I enjoyed the class its self, however it has been exhausting. The class was accelerated, 4 hours in one night for 6 weeks. So on Tuesdays I don't sleep. I get home from work, nap for about two hours then get up to have lunch with Brian. He leaves for work shortly before 2pm. Between 2 and 4:30 I get everything done that I need to for the day and try to sneak in a quick workout if I can. Then it's time to shower and get ready for class. From 5:30 to 9:30pm I have class. When that ends I drop my stuff off at home, change clothes, and head right to work....on two hours of sleep...then work all night....on two hours of sleep. Hence the reason I feel like a zombie most days. But this week was a little different, class got out early so I actually had time to eat some real food and take an hour nap before work. So I got 3 hours of sleep! That's pretty exciting for me. I'd love to say that I get to take a break now, but that's not the case. Next Tuesday my next class starts. The nice part about this is that it allows me to take full time credits instead of only half time credits for the semester. Make the sacrifice now to get the pay off in the end. Read: Fancy piece of paper with my name on it FASTER!  Lesson here, stay in school!!! It sounds cliché I know, but it's true. Had I not quit school then quit again, then took about 7 years off, I would have been done by now. Lesson learned, can't change the past, moving on and getting it done. Guess that's just what was in store for me though, if it hadn't gone down like that then I wouldn't have Parker and I wouldn't change that for anything.

     Speaking of Parker, his 7th birthday is coming up real fast. I go through this every year now, I get all sad that he is getting older and I wish I could just keep him the way he is now. He is such an incredible kid and I'm so proud of the person he is becoming. He is a purple belt in Tae Kwon Do, he reads well above his grade level, he excels in math and other scholastic areas, and he has this love of exploring and curiosity that I love! He is always up for a new adventure. His personality is so much like mine, he may not look like me but he sure does act like me. (Look out people this could be interesting)
   
       So in the midst of school work and work work I have been working on his birthday party plans. For some reason, he is always totally into things that aren't popular right now. His new obsession is Star Wars. (FYI I have never seen any of the Star Wars except one and literally all I remember about it is Jar Jar has long ears. Can't even tell you what it was about it was like 15 years ago) So this has been totally interesting for me. He wanted a Star Wars piñata.... like I said, into things that aren't popular....try to find a Star Wars piñata in a store, not going to happen. So, I've spent the last few days making one. (thank you pinterest!!!)

     Totally looks just like the death star right? ( Don't have any idea what the death star actually is, but that's what he said he wanted and pinterest seems to know what it looks like so I can totally pull this off)

       We went to Walmart to buy cake toppers. I make his cakes myself, but I want some toppers for it, anyway that was FUN! and by fun I mean they hire the most special people that make me want to start shouting obscenities. We spent half an hour trying to acquire said cake toppers. We managed to get two characters, then the lady tried to give us the starship enterprise and tell us that it was a star wars fighter plane. Ok, I don't know star wars, but I do know that the star ship enterprise is STAR TREK. Apparently so does Parker. I didn't even have to say anything, he let her have it. He told her there was no way he was putting a star trek ship on his cake and they weren't even close to the same thing and he does not like star trek. He was polite about it until the lady told him he was wrong and the ship was from star wars. Then he let her have it. I stood back and giggled a little bit but I let him handle it as long as he wasn't being rude. It was funny to watch her argue with him. Lady, this boy knows his star wars. She ended up looking more and found the pieces we had asked for, apparently what we got was an x wing fighter and that death star thing again. neither of  which look anything  like the enterprise by the way.

        So we have school, work, a birthday party, and somewhere in there I make a point of spending quality time with Parker. It may not be anything amazing, we will play a game or read a book together, something just me and him and no technology interruptions everyday. I don't ever want him to feel anything less than number one in my life. After all, it's all about him anyway. Sure I want to finish school to better myself, but most importantly I want to set the example for him and show him that it is important to go to college. I can't tell him how important it is if I stayed a quitter.

     I've also tried to make time for myself. I've learned that investing the time into working out is well worth it. Not only does it give me more energy to make it through my day, but it improves my mood and battles the winter blues, and the investment in my health is worth it. And I have to be awake anyway. Also, if Parker sees me working out it makes him want to be active too so it's a total win win here.
 
   Most of my thoughts are jumbled and swirling all over the place lately like a hurricane,  I just go one day at a time. I'm big on lists. They keep me sane. List of things to do, to buy, what needs to be done on a specific day, what needs to be done at some point, things that I will get to eventually, things I plan on getting Brian to do, lists for everything...

     As a reward for surviving my first accelerated class, I bought myself a new Jillian Michaels work out dvd. (Totally love me some Jillian, huge girl crush...got to see her in person with my bestie, AWESOMESAUCE!!!!) Anywhoo, wipe the drool off my chin and continue.....I bought her new yoga inferno dvd and I plan on trying that out in just a few minutes here so I will let you know how much I love it soon!

So simple

So, sitting here tonight thinking about all of the things I need to do and need to get done, I felt overwhelmed. It was a tough weekend. It was one of those weekends where I realized how big I am. You see, I don't look in the mirror much and when I do it's only my head. All of the mirrors in my house were put up by my brother when he owned the house and he is much taller than I am, so they all just show my head and that's ok with me. I think that's how I have let myself get so out of control. I don't see it. I know that I am fat, however, in my head I still see that 128 pound girl that I used to be.  But this weekend was one of those times that it just hit me. Usually it's right before we have somewhere to go that I am getting dressed up for that it hits me, but not this weekend. This weekend it was because I was having people over and I wanted to get some things done, but I was so tired I just sat on the couch watching cartoons with Parker for an hour.

I got the things done that I wanted to, but there is always about 100 things on my to do list. I am always tired, I guess that makes sense since I only get about 4-5 hours of sleep a day and that is broken up into 2 hour increments. So, what am I doing with the rest of my time? If I have to be awake anyway, why am I wasting so much time? I also know that working out makes me feel good. Well, that's not true, it makes me feel like crap. I'm fat, when  I make my body do these things it hates me and it lets me know it. But then I feel great, and awake, and energized.

I get very sidetracked on the weekends. I can't workout if Brian is home. It's just one of those things I haven't gotten over yet. We have been together long enough you would think it wouldn't bother me for him to see me in workout clothes working out, but for some reason it does. Also on the weekends we eat more meals together. So, I eat worse, I don't work out, this is a vicious cycle that undoes all the work I do all week long. I gotta find a way to change this. I need to get over the fact that I can't workout if Brian is home. There has to be a way. I know once it is nice out he will spend a lot of time outside so that helps, but just that fact that he is home makes me slack. This is unacceptable because I need to start training in cycling soon. Time is flying, it's already mid February!

Tonight was an epiphany. Nothing new, just something that finally clicked for me. If I have to be awake anyway, I may as well take advantage of it. I can work out in front of Parker, so I have no reason not to during the week. The time is going to pass anyway, so why not make the most of it? I can either sit here thinking about the things I need to do, or I can do them. One thing that I have been struggling with is results. It takes a long time to see results when you work out. I am not patient, I want to see results now! But, I can either do nothing and 6 months from now see no changes or I can put in the time and effort and 6 months from now hopefully fit into that dress I bought knowing there is no way I can wear it unless I lose some weight. Either way the 6 months will pass.

What outcome do I want in 6 months?

What besties are for

 Pretty much anyone that has read my blog even once or knows me in real life knows that Ashley is my bestie. I can't even tell you how awesome she is. Recently I was doing some scanning in a facebook group that I am part of and I came across a post where a girl was ranting about the fact that since she had started running a few of her friends/coworkers had decided to start running. This girl was extremely annoyed by this fact. So much so that she was debating telling those people how annoyed she was in hopes that they would stop. She felt that running was "her thing" and she didn't want to share it.

This got me to thinking. Ashley is 100% to thank (blame/curse depending on the day lol) for me starting to run. She started running and when she discovered how much she enjoyed it she invited me to join her. If she hadn't, I most likely never would have started. Before I started my journey to becoming healthy I had thought about working out, but running had never crossed my mind. The only time I have ever run was when I was in the Army and I hated it with a passion. That is an entirely different kind of running people, way different!  Ashley and I sometimes ran together, sometimes not. And by run together I mean we start at the same time and then take off and do our thing and meet at the end. But that makes all the difference in the world.

After reading this girl's post about how mad it made her that she had inspired people, I really thought about what it meant to me that Ashley had shared "her thing" and made it "our thing". I love the fact that we can get together and do things that are fitness related. I have so many awesome memories of the runs we have done together. I'm so fortunate to have a bestie that isn't annoyed by the fact that she is an inspiration to me.

I know that not being able to run through her pregnancy has been tough for her. I know she is very much itching to get back to it. I keep her updated on my progress so that she stays motivated and so that she knows when she gets back to it I will be right there and hopefully a little better at keeping up with her. That girl is fast people, she ran her  half marathon in 2 hours 17 minutes! That's less than a 10 minute mile for over 13 miles!!! She is amazeballs!!! I think it's important for me to recognize this and let her know how much I appreciate her for sharing "her thing".

Have a fantastic day!

Also, you must check out my newest medal. This one is by far my favorite yet. Seeing some summery things is the middle of our super cold "polar vortex" laden winter was totally worth logging some miles to get this baby!

Loss

    One of my goals for the new year is to be more positive overall. I was raised in a very negative environment and it's all that I know. Most everyone in my family is very quick to see the negative and be miserable. I have realized that it is up to me to change this for my son. I have been working hard to be positive and show my son that it is ok to be happy.

     That said, this post has been in my head for awhile and the only way to get it out is to put pen to paper. In order to be positive, I need to release the negative.

     Just before Christmas this year my dad died. For those that know me, know that he wasn't my biological dad. My biological dad walked out and I have never met him. (As it turns out, if you are married you shouldn't get your girlfriend pregnant.) I have harbored a lot of anger about this situation for many years. I also blamed myself, which is ridiculous and I know that now. But for many years I didn't understand how a parent could just walk out and never meet their child. At this point in my life I have come to the acceptance that if he was able to walk out and not look back then I am probably better off for it. After all, if you can be that kind of person you probably would be an even worse parent.

    Anyway, back to my dad. When I was tiny I was practically attached to his side. I have a lot of memories of working in the garden with him and standing on the moped in front of him and going for a cruise. ( Yes I am aware that is illegal and dangerous, so sue me I thought it was fun and I trusted my dad) My mother and he split up when I was about 9 and it was at that point that I found out he was not in fact my dad. Although, in recent talks with my sister I have learned that this was not in fact the first time that this came out, but it was swept under the rug and somehow I just let it go. But after I found out for sure, it was undeniable and everything changed. For a long time my dad still acted the same, I went to his house whenever my brother did, and he never treated me any differently. Then there came a time when my brother didn't agree with this and things changed. My dad and I grew apart because my brother didn't want to share anymore, but that's ok, I get where he was coming from. To this day I have always considered my dad's three sons from his first marriage to be my brothers and my dad has always been my dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was there. He sent birthday and Christmas cards, and always told me if I needed anything he would be there.

     It was a total shock when dad died. In my mind he was this amazingly strong man, almost invincible to say. He had lived with  diabetes for about 20 years I would say. He had beat leukemia, and I've seen him pull through serious sicknesses and infections, and he never quit. He was so hard working, he was told to stop working after he had leukemia and yet, he went back to work.

     In school we learned about the stages of grief. As I have said, my dad and I have grown apart, and because of this, I have been able to deal with his sudden death, however, I am stuck in the anger stage. What is getting me, is the fact that he is gone and not someone else. He didn't die in an accident, he died in his sleep at 55. Way too young! I get that it happens, and I get that with everything that he has been through his immune system was highly weakened, I get it, but it makes me angry. I hate to admit that I feel there are other people that I feel should have taken his place. People that I believe have some bad karma coming their way but yet always seem to never get it.

   So this is where I am at: my dad is gone and I am angry.
  
    And now that I have put it out there I feel a little better already. I hope that my dad knew how much I appreciated the fact that he was there and he accepted me as his own. I know that my hard work ethic comes from him. Now I can hopefully focus on the positive and my plans to have a garden this year and remember the positive memories.

BIG THINGS!!!

   If you happened to read my last post, at the end I mentioned that I have some big things planned for this year. I'm not talking kinda more than I did this year, I'm talking BIG!

  I've set some goals for this year. Of course living a healthy lifestyle and losing weight are always the ultimate goal, but this year I don't have number set. I have big things that I am going to do, and in training to do them I should see the weight loss. In order to accomplish my goals I will have to live healthy. It's not even an option, if I don't live healthy I won't accomplish my goals.

  First things first, start small-ish. Last year in March I ran a 5k that was the start of my downfall. Up until this point I was working out and running regularily and seeing progress. Then there was this particular 5k. It was on St. Pat's day. Something happened and I got into my own head. Anyone that runs or works out at all knows that the mental aspect is huge. Once I was in my head it all went downhill. I wrote a whole post about how bad it was. I thought about giving up, I actually stopped moving and just wanted to quit, but then I realized that I had to get back to the finish point anyway so I was not going to quit. I pulled my head out of my ass and finished. But, that was the beginning of the end. I stopped working out, I stopped running almost totally. I still continued to run my 5k every month, but it showed in my times. I stopped making progress and gained back the weight that I had lost.

  My first goal for 2014 is to redo this particular run. I am going to once again do the same St. Pat's day 5k. I am going to finish and I am going to beat the stigma that run left me with. I feel that it's something I need to do in order to get past the horror of last year. So, I've got the registration page bookmarked on my phone and before I go to work tonight I will register for this year's run and then I will keep training and hopefully rock that run!

  My friend Nara has asked me to do a 5k with her in April and I have told her that I am pretty sure that I will do it. It seems to fit into my schedule, and since she moved away I don't get to see her often. I'm pretty excited for it (the picture she sent me said you get a finisher's medal and as I have stated, I am getting addicted to earning those medals)

  After that there is a gap where I have some ideas of things I am going to do, but the big things are coming. The first big thing I am going to do is on August 3rd. I am going to participate in the Ledgeview Escarpment Bike Tour. I'm going to bike the 75 mile route. 75 miles, I'm talking get on a bike, (pedal, not motorcycle, people) bike 75 miles, and get off my bike. Ok, there are rest stops along the way, but that's the gist of it.
 
  However, the Escarpment tour is not the end, just a stepping stone along the way. This year, on September 7th, I am going to do the Door County Century!!! That's 100 miles people!!! 100 freaking miles, on a bike, at once!!! I had been tossing the idea around for a bit as a new hurdle to challenge. One of my friends has announced that she also plans on doing the same century this year. She has done a century before so she knows what she is talking about so I am really hoping to get some tips and advice from her because she is totally amazeballs and such a huge inspiration to me!!!

  That's still not it, while I am training to bike a century, I am still going to be running and training because this year I am going to run my first half marathon! According to my training plan this should happen some time in October. I even have the pair of socks that I am going to wear... knee high socks are kind of mine and Ashley's thing. Every time I am doing an official run, I buy a pair of knee highs just for that run. I know a lot of people do it, but I don't care. Part of the anticipation for the run for me is getting that new pair of socks. Ashley wants to get back to running after she has her baby in April, and she has said that she wants to run the half with me, so I bought her a matching pair of socks, and people, I am excited about these socks! (Yes, I have issues, I'm ok with that. They make me pretty awesome)

  After my half in October, or sometime in that range, I haven't picked one out yet, my training still isn't done. I've told Brian of my plans for all of these things, when I told him about wanting to do the century I was very excited, and his response was "I don't think that's a good idea".  But, I have learned that I can't always make others happy and sometimes I need to do what makes me happy. So with or without my husband's support, these are my goals this year and I will persevere. And if he doesn't like those plans, he really isn't going to like what I've got planned for 2015. No official announcements, but Ashley and I are making plans already to be finalized in the next few months, and it looks something like this:

No, I'm not going through a gender reassignment!

 So here is to making 2014 a year of BIG to help me reach my goal of being smaller. Now, I'm off to get my run in for the day. (Check out above picture, that bling is going to take some serious dedication!)

12 in 12 months recap

     In December of 2012 I did a 2 mile sleigh bell run in preparation for the 5k I was planning on running New Years day. At some point in time I set a goal to run one official event every month for 12 months. I've posted along the way but I figured I'd do a recap of all 12.

December 2012 Ashley and I did the sleigh bell run in Kiel. This was a two mile event for me and the start of my 12 in 12 months.

January I did the color my new year run in Oshkosh. Ashley was very ill so I flew solo on this one. I had icicles on my eyelids when I was done but I was so proud to finish my first 5k.

February Ashley and I did the Schneelauf 5k in Elkhardt Lake. I got hit with a really bad migraine and thought I was going to throw up but I finished. (And did throw up at Parker's b-day party a few hours later)

March we did a 5k on St. Patty's Day. This was a tough one for me, I wrote a post about it and don't need to go back there.

April was the Oshkosh 5k for me and Ashley's first half marathon.

May was the Dream in Color 5k in Manitowac. I did this one with Parker, it was so fantastic crossing the finish line with him!

June Ashley and I did our first obstacle course run, the Edge the Ledge in Fond Du Lac...killer!

July was the firecracker 5k...apple pie at the finish

August was the dirty girls mid run, this was probably my favorite run of any that we did. I totally plan on doing this one again in 2014.

Septrmber's plans got changed and we didn't end up doing the run we had planned so instead I did a virtual run. The I run for Kaysen 5k was a charity run for a tiny baby in need of a heart transplant.

October me, Ashley' her son and her sister did a local run to raise awareness against bullying. I love it when the kiddos get involved! I hope Parker gets involved more this year.

And finally.....

November, number 12..... I did the great turkey run of 2013. I got this awesome medal, even though it's just for finishing and not being the fastest, I have to admit I am kind of addicted to earning medals.

So I completed my goal and even though my fitness journey got off track I didn't give up. Stay tuned people big things are coming in 2014!

It's Over!

Christmas is over! Don't get me wrong I love Christmas, but I am glad it's over. (Well almost. My sister and brother are coming over this weekend to do our own little family thing like we always do.) Every year I get all hyped up about the holidays and this perfect little picture that I have in my head of how I want things to be and how they should be. In my head things are all nice and happy and perfect. I just have this perfect family picture in my head that I've had ever since I was a little girl. Anyone that knows me knows that my family life has been totally messed up. Having a great family has always been a top priority for me. My family is quite fantastic. My immediate family is great, Brian, Parker, me and our zoo. Outside of that there is my sister and her little family, Aaron, and their two kids Aidan and Lana. I absolutely adore those two kids. Aidan has a special place in my heart because he is my first and so far only nephew. It's been amazing to watch him grow and become the person that he is today. Lana is special to me because she is so far my only niece and since Parker is a boy she is my little girl outlet. She's my little diva. She shares my love of shoes and clothes and I love that!!! I also have my brother Mike who so far doesn't have any kids, but he is still a youngin' so it's cool, and his girlfriend Hailey.

Anyway, back to this Christmas. When I was real little, there were 6 of us kids. We had a big family and big family gatherings. Growing up I always dreamt of a big family. I thought I would have 3 or 4 kids. After Parker I realized maybe the big family wasn't for me. I like to work and I like to spoil my son. If there were 4 kids, could I give them all the same amount of attention and spoiling that Parker gets? At this point the decision is easy because Brian doesn't want any children. He gets to enjoy Parker and that's enough for him and it's enough for me. Parker is all independent and stuff and to go back to having a tiny baby isn't what I want. But anyway, this makes my Christmas visions all messy. First off, Parker's dad is a giant douche and every year pulls some crap move. This year it was just simply taking him out of state without my permission and keeping him for 3 days that I was supposed to have him. It meant that instead of having him Christmas eve night and waking up here Christmas morning, I didn't get him until Christmas morning at 10am. This right there just kind of killed my Christmas mood.  I already wasn't feelin it and Brian doesn't enjoy family things. He doesn't like family gatherings, he doesn't like doing the whole gift thing, he just doesn't like it. I try to ignore that and I usually do but it gets to me. We went to my Grandma's house after getting Parker and Becky and crew came too. But it wasn't that enjoyable to me because the whole time I was sitting there thinking, man I hope Lori doesn't show up. Mike doesn't really go to our family things much and I understand it totally, but I didn't see Mike at all on Christmas. That bugs me. Once again, my perfect picture just doesn't turn out perfect and I wanna throw a fit.

After my Grandma's we went back home and Parker was super cranky as he usually is after spending a few days with his dad. He took a rest for about half and hour, then he did the presents from us. He was pretty happy with his gifts, the only thing he told me that he wanted for Christmas was the Disney infinity game, so that's what he got. Yeah, yeah he is spoiled. Oh well. After our gift opening we waited a bit then we went to Brian's parent's house and Parker did more gifts there. We visited for awhile then left there and we went to see the movie Frozen. I wanted us to do a little family activity together. I had invited Mike and Becky, but it was Christmas and they had stuff so I understood and that was fine. After the movie we ate a late supper, sat a bit, and then went to bed. Yeah, we were all in bed by like 10pm, aren't we rebels? Parker always says adults get to go to bed whenever they want, if he only knew on my days off I am in bed just about right after him.

I guess my Christmas wasn't bad, but it once again just wasn't the perfect picture that I had in my head. I am grateful for my family and thankful for everything I just feel like I am constantly searching for a way to make up for the fails of my childhood.

(ask him about his t-rex, it's awesome)

 

(told you, it's great!)

 

So, Christmas is over, and I know that New Year's hasn't hit yet, but I have set some goals. I'm not sure that I wanna talk about them a lot, but I've got some big goals for 2014. Why wait for 2014 to start? One of my biggest issues is procrastination so I'm working on that one. So after I finish up this post and put some laundry away, I am going to hit the treadmill for awhile. One of my goals is to get back into working out again. I had been doing well for a long time last year and then just stopped pretty much. Well, I'm ready to get back into it. I am hoping to include Parker a lot in it this year. I know that it's very important to teach him healthy habits for life.

 

I hope everybody had a fantastic holiday!