So, sitting here tonight thinking about all of the things I need to do and need to get done, I felt overwhelmed. It was a tough weekend. It was one of those weekends where I realized how big I am. You see, I don't look in the mirror much and when I do it's only my head. All of the mirrors in my house were put up by my brother when he owned the house and he is much taller than I am, so they all just show my head and that's ok with me. I think that's how I have let myself get so out of control. I don't see it. I know that I am fat, however, in my head I still see that 128 pound girl that I used to be. But this weekend was one of those times that it just hit me. Usually it's right before we have somewhere to go that I am getting dressed up for that it hits me, but not this weekend. This weekend it was because I was having people over and I wanted to get some things done, but I was so tired I just sat on the couch watching cartoons with Parker for an hour.
I got the things done that I wanted to, but there is always about 100 things on my to do list. I am always tired, I guess that makes sense since I only get about 4-5 hours of sleep a day and that is broken up into 2 hour increments. So, what am I doing with the rest of my time? If I have to be awake anyway, why am I wasting so much time? I also know that working out makes me feel good. Well, that's not true, it makes me feel like crap. I'm fat, when I make my body do these things it hates me and it lets me know it. But then I feel great, and awake, and energized.
I get very sidetracked on the weekends. I can't workout if Brian is home. It's just one of those things I haven't gotten over yet. We have been together long enough you would think it wouldn't bother me for him to see me in workout clothes working out, but for some reason it does. Also on the weekends we eat more meals together. So, I eat worse, I don't work out, this is a vicious cycle that undoes all the work I do all week long. I gotta find a way to change this. I need to get over the fact that I can't workout if Brian is home. There has to be a way. I know once it is nice out he will spend a lot of time outside so that helps, but just that fact that he is home makes me slack. This is unacceptable because I need to start training in cycling soon. Time is flying, it's already mid February!
Tonight was an epiphany. Nothing new, just something that finally clicked for me. If I have to be awake anyway, I may as well take advantage of it. I can work out in front of Parker, so I have no reason not to during the week. The time is going to pass anyway, so why not make the most of it? I can either sit here thinking about the things I need to do, or I can do them. One thing that I have been struggling with is results. It takes a long time to see results when you work out. I am not patient, I want to see results now! But, I can either do nothing and 6 months from now see no changes or I can put in the time and effort and 6 months from now hopefully fit into that dress I bought knowing there is no way I can wear it unless I lose some weight. Either way the 6 months will pass.
What outcome do I want in 6 months?
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