Loss

    One of my goals for the new year is to be more positive overall. I was raised in a very negative environment and it's all that I know. Most everyone in my family is very quick to see the negative and be miserable. I have realized that it is up to me to change this for my son. I have been working hard to be positive and show my son that it is ok to be happy.

     That said, this post has been in my head for awhile and the only way to get it out is to put pen to paper. In order to be positive, I need to release the negative.

     Just before Christmas this year my dad died. For those that know me, know that he wasn't my biological dad. My biological dad walked out and I have never met him. (As it turns out, if you are married you shouldn't get your girlfriend pregnant.) I have harbored a lot of anger about this situation for many years. I also blamed myself, which is ridiculous and I know that now. But for many years I didn't understand how a parent could just walk out and never meet their child. At this point in my life I have come to the acceptance that if he was able to walk out and not look back then I am probably better off for it. After all, if you can be that kind of person you probably would be an even worse parent.

    Anyway, back to my dad. When I was tiny I was practically attached to his side. I have a lot of memories of working in the garden with him and standing on the moped in front of him and going for a cruise. ( Yes I am aware that is illegal and dangerous, so sue me I thought it was fun and I trusted my dad) My mother and he split up when I was about 9 and it was at that point that I found out he was not in fact my dad. Although, in recent talks with my sister I have learned that this was not in fact the first time that this came out, but it was swept under the rug and somehow I just let it go. But after I found out for sure, it was undeniable and everything changed. For a long time my dad still acted the same, I went to his house whenever my brother did, and he never treated me any differently. Then there came a time when my brother didn't agree with this and things changed. My dad and I grew apart because my brother didn't want to share anymore, but that's ok, I get where he was coming from. To this day I have always considered my dad's three sons from his first marriage to be my brothers and my dad has always been my dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was there. He sent birthday and Christmas cards, and always told me if I needed anything he would be there.

     It was a total shock when dad died. In my mind he was this amazingly strong man, almost invincible to say. He had lived with  diabetes for about 20 years I would say. He had beat leukemia, and I've seen him pull through serious sicknesses and infections, and he never quit. He was so hard working, he was told to stop working after he had leukemia and yet, he went back to work.

     In school we learned about the stages of grief. As I have said, my dad and I have grown apart, and because of this, I have been able to deal with his sudden death, however, I am stuck in the anger stage. What is getting me, is the fact that he is gone and not someone else. He didn't die in an accident, he died in his sleep at 55. Way too young! I get that it happens, and I get that with everything that he has been through his immune system was highly weakened, I get it, but it makes me angry. I hate to admit that I feel there are other people that I feel should have taken his place. People that I believe have some bad karma coming their way but yet always seem to never get it.

   So this is where I am at: my dad is gone and I am angry.
  
    And now that I have put it out there I feel a little better already. I hope that my dad knew how much I appreciated the fact that he was there and he accepted me as his own. I know that my hard work ethic comes from him. Now I can hopefully focus on the positive and my plans to have a garden this year and remember the positive memories.