Loss

    One of my goals for the new year is to be more positive overall. I was raised in a very negative environment and it's all that I know. Most everyone in my family is very quick to see the negative and be miserable. I have realized that it is up to me to change this for my son. I have been working hard to be positive and show my son that it is ok to be happy.

     That said, this post has been in my head for awhile and the only way to get it out is to put pen to paper. In order to be positive, I need to release the negative.

     Just before Christmas this year my dad died. For those that know me, know that he wasn't my biological dad. My biological dad walked out and I have never met him. (As it turns out, if you are married you shouldn't get your girlfriend pregnant.) I have harbored a lot of anger about this situation for many years. I also blamed myself, which is ridiculous and I know that now. But for many years I didn't understand how a parent could just walk out and never meet their child. At this point in my life I have come to the acceptance that if he was able to walk out and not look back then I am probably better off for it. After all, if you can be that kind of person you probably would be an even worse parent.

    Anyway, back to my dad. When I was tiny I was practically attached to his side. I have a lot of memories of working in the garden with him and standing on the moped in front of him and going for a cruise. ( Yes I am aware that is illegal and dangerous, so sue me I thought it was fun and I trusted my dad) My mother and he split up when I was about 9 and it was at that point that I found out he was not in fact my dad. Although, in recent talks with my sister I have learned that this was not in fact the first time that this came out, but it was swept under the rug and somehow I just let it go. But after I found out for sure, it was undeniable and everything changed. For a long time my dad still acted the same, I went to his house whenever my brother did, and he never treated me any differently. Then there came a time when my brother didn't agree with this and things changed. My dad and I grew apart because my brother didn't want to share anymore, but that's ok, I get where he was coming from. To this day I have always considered my dad's three sons from his first marriage to be my brothers and my dad has always been my dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was there. He sent birthday and Christmas cards, and always told me if I needed anything he would be there.

     It was a total shock when dad died. In my mind he was this amazingly strong man, almost invincible to say. He had lived with  diabetes for about 20 years I would say. He had beat leukemia, and I've seen him pull through serious sicknesses and infections, and he never quit. He was so hard working, he was told to stop working after he had leukemia and yet, he went back to work.

     In school we learned about the stages of grief. As I have said, my dad and I have grown apart, and because of this, I have been able to deal with his sudden death, however, I am stuck in the anger stage. What is getting me, is the fact that he is gone and not someone else. He didn't die in an accident, he died in his sleep at 55. Way too young! I get that it happens, and I get that with everything that he has been through his immune system was highly weakened, I get it, but it makes me angry. I hate to admit that I feel there are other people that I feel should have taken his place. People that I believe have some bad karma coming their way but yet always seem to never get it.

   So this is where I am at: my dad is gone and I am angry.
  
    And now that I have put it out there I feel a little better already. I hope that my dad knew how much I appreciated the fact that he was there and he accepted me as his own. I know that my hard work ethic comes from him. Now I can hopefully focus on the positive and my plans to have a garden this year and remember the positive memories.

BIG THINGS!!!

   If you happened to read my last post, at the end I mentioned that I have some big things planned for this year. I'm not talking kinda more than I did this year, I'm talking BIG!

  I've set some goals for this year. Of course living a healthy lifestyle and losing weight are always the ultimate goal, but this year I don't have number set. I have big things that I am going to do, and in training to do them I should see the weight loss. In order to accomplish my goals I will have to live healthy. It's not even an option, if I don't live healthy I won't accomplish my goals.

  First things first, start small-ish. Last year in March I ran a 5k that was the start of my downfall. Up until this point I was working out and running regularily and seeing progress. Then there was this particular 5k. It was on St. Pat's day. Something happened and I got into my own head. Anyone that runs or works out at all knows that the mental aspect is huge. Once I was in my head it all went downhill. I wrote a whole post about how bad it was. I thought about giving up, I actually stopped moving and just wanted to quit, but then I realized that I had to get back to the finish point anyway so I was not going to quit. I pulled my head out of my ass and finished. But, that was the beginning of the end. I stopped working out, I stopped running almost totally. I still continued to run my 5k every month, but it showed in my times. I stopped making progress and gained back the weight that I had lost.

  My first goal for 2014 is to redo this particular run. I am going to once again do the same St. Pat's day 5k. I am going to finish and I am going to beat the stigma that run left me with. I feel that it's something I need to do in order to get past the horror of last year. So, I've got the registration page bookmarked on my phone and before I go to work tonight I will register for this year's run and then I will keep training and hopefully rock that run!

  My friend Nara has asked me to do a 5k with her in April and I have told her that I am pretty sure that I will do it. It seems to fit into my schedule, and since she moved away I don't get to see her often. I'm pretty excited for it (the picture she sent me said you get a finisher's medal and as I have stated, I am getting addicted to earning those medals)

  After that there is a gap where I have some ideas of things I am going to do, but the big things are coming. The first big thing I am going to do is on August 3rd. I am going to participate in the Ledgeview Escarpment Bike Tour. I'm going to bike the 75 mile route. 75 miles, I'm talking get on a bike, (pedal, not motorcycle, people) bike 75 miles, and get off my bike. Ok, there are rest stops along the way, but that's the gist of it.
 
  However, the Escarpment tour is not the end, just a stepping stone along the way. This year, on September 7th, I am going to do the Door County Century!!! That's 100 miles people!!! 100 freaking miles, on a bike, at once!!! I had been tossing the idea around for a bit as a new hurdle to challenge. One of my friends has announced that she also plans on doing the same century this year. She has done a century before so she knows what she is talking about so I am really hoping to get some tips and advice from her because she is totally amazeballs and such a huge inspiration to me!!!

  That's still not it, while I am training to bike a century, I am still going to be running and training because this year I am going to run my first half marathon! According to my training plan this should happen some time in October. I even have the pair of socks that I am going to wear... knee high socks are kind of mine and Ashley's thing. Every time I am doing an official run, I buy a pair of knee highs just for that run. I know a lot of people do it, but I don't care. Part of the anticipation for the run for me is getting that new pair of socks. Ashley wants to get back to running after she has her baby in April, and she has said that she wants to run the half with me, so I bought her a matching pair of socks, and people, I am excited about these socks! (Yes, I have issues, I'm ok with that. They make me pretty awesome)

  After my half in October, or sometime in that range, I haven't picked one out yet, my training still isn't done. I've told Brian of my plans for all of these things, when I told him about wanting to do the century I was very excited, and his response was "I don't think that's a good idea".  But, I have learned that I can't always make others happy and sometimes I need to do what makes me happy. So with or without my husband's support, these are my goals this year and I will persevere. And if he doesn't like those plans, he really isn't going to like what I've got planned for 2015. No official announcements, but Ashley and I are making plans already to be finalized in the next few months, and it looks something like this:

No, I'm not going through a gender reassignment!

 So here is to making 2014 a year of BIG to help me reach my goal of being smaller. Now, I'm off to get my run in for the day. (Check out above picture, that bling is going to take some serious dedication!)

12 in 12 months recap

     In December of 2012 I did a 2 mile sleigh bell run in preparation for the 5k I was planning on running New Years day. At some point in time I set a goal to run one official event every month for 12 months. I've posted along the way but I figured I'd do a recap of all 12.

December 2012 Ashley and I did the sleigh bell run in Kiel. This was a two mile event for me and the start of my 12 in 12 months.

January I did the color my new year run in Oshkosh. Ashley was very ill so I flew solo on this one. I had icicles on my eyelids when I was done but I was so proud to finish my first 5k.

February Ashley and I did the Schneelauf 5k in Elkhardt Lake. I got hit with a really bad migraine and thought I was going to throw up but I finished. (And did throw up at Parker's b-day party a few hours later)

March we did a 5k on St. Patty's Day. This was a tough one for me, I wrote a post about it and don't need to go back there.

April was the Oshkosh 5k for me and Ashley's first half marathon.

May was the Dream in Color 5k in Manitowac. I did this one with Parker, it was so fantastic crossing the finish line with him!

June Ashley and I did our first obstacle course run, the Edge the Ledge in Fond Du Lac...killer!

July was the firecracker 5k...apple pie at the finish

August was the dirty girls mid run, this was probably my favorite run of any that we did. I totally plan on doing this one again in 2014.

Septrmber's plans got changed and we didn't end up doing the run we had planned so instead I did a virtual run. The I run for Kaysen 5k was a charity run for a tiny baby in need of a heart transplant.

October me, Ashley' her son and her sister did a local run to raise awareness against bullying. I love it when the kiddos get involved! I hope Parker gets involved more this year.

And finally.....

November, number 12..... I did the great turkey run of 2013. I got this awesome medal, even though it's just for finishing and not being the fastest, I have to admit I am kind of addicted to earning medals.

So I completed my goal and even though my fitness journey got off track I didn't give up. Stay tuned people big things are coming in 2014!