Self Worth

      Most people that know me well also know that I don't think very highly of myself. Years of being told I wasn't smart enough (even though I graduated 6th in my class) or pretty enough (even though I used to be skinny and looking back, pretty good looking) have taken their toll on me. Sometimes I've let what others say to me hold me back. Sometime the opposite happens and I use it as motivation to prove them wrong.

     For almost the last year I have been on a journey to change to a healthier lifestyle. This has been really hard, as I knew it would be, and I haven't gotten quite to where I would like to be in the last year, but I only have myself to blame for that. When I committed to this journey I started eating better and gave up drinking soda. I was working out almost every day of the week, and I was seeing results. I was losing weight and I could see changes in the way my clothes fit, and I felt a lot better. I had energy and didn't feel tired all of the time. Then someone made a comment and it got to me. I looked at myself and said yeah, they are right, what's the point? I once again totally convinced myself that I wasn't worth the time it would take to get healthy again. I convinced myself that I wasn't worth anything better, and I totally flubbed an entire semester of school.

  I have struggled with this most of my life, but lately it has been really tough. I've been down on myself, I haven't been working out, I've been drinking soda like it's going out of style even though it makes my stomach hurt and makes me gag, and things have been going crappy. But, when you put in crap, what do you expect to get out other than crap? Don't get me wrong, my family is amazing. Parker is doing great, he earned his yellow belt in tae kwon do. Brian as ever is great, he has always said I don't need to change a thing, but really, he didn't know me when I was skinny, so what does he know? My family is great, and my life is great, but I am not great.

    This is what I have decided to take control of. My focus is not only going to be on my physical health, but my mental health as well. After all, my mental health is affecting my journey to physical health. Hopefully this is something I can change. Today I made the decision to get another tattoo. I have actually been toying around with the idea for some time, but didn't know if I could commit to it. After all, once it's there, it's there. I know, kind of hypocritical coming from me who totally regrets my first tattoo..... DO NOT GET A TATTOO AT YOUR KITCHEN TABLE!!!!

   I thought long and hard about this one, how committed am I to this journey that I'm on?

  So here it is, my new tattoo. I have to be committed to this journey, to myself. I haven't been committed to myself in a very long time. I have let what others have told me change me, I have spent too much time trying to please others or prove them wrong. Yes, that is blood in the picture, I took it about an hour after it was done. This is on my foot, in the same form that my flip flop straps go in. When I look down, ( I spend a lot of time looking at my feet) it will serve as my reminder that I am indeed worth it. Worth the time my physical health takes, worth the time my mental health takes, worth doing great things, worth it all.

  And here is my picture from inside the car wash. Man I wish pictures had scent-o-vision because I love the smell of the tricolor foam. When we got out of the carwash Parker said, "let's do that again" and I honestly considered it because that smell is great!