Giving Up

This weekend was a real eye opener for me. I know I seem to have a lot of those lately, but maybe this point in my life is about change and learning. Anyway, yesterday was my 5k for March, you remember my goal of running in one 5k every month for a year? (As it turns out I am doing a few that aren't just runs but obstacle courses, and one that is 10-12 miles long. But still fit my goal of one official run every month.) Anywhoo.... The St. Patty's day run....

Here is Ashley and I before our run. Aren't we awesome? I got us some St. Patty's bling to have some fun with our run this time. We also had on a whole spectrum of colors so we looked great! While I was doing the 5k Ashley was doing her first and logest run to date, the 17k!!! Yay go Ashley!!! She rocks incase you didn't already know that!

Going into this run I kind of still had some leftovers from last month's run. You know, being the second to last runner to finish, and getting an insane migrane at mile one....I was kind of in a funk about this run. I wanted to do so much better than last month and be proud of myself again. This run was a lot bigger than our last. There were a lot of people and I started to feel better. With all these people there had to be a few slower than me right? I know I shouldn't look at it that way, I know that even though it is a race that I am not really racing and it shouldn't matter what place I come in. It's about me and gettng healthy. But let's face it, no one really ever wants to come in last place (or second to last).

It gets close to starting time and we file outside to line up. It was cold, a few degrees above 0 and the sun was not out yet since it was 7:30am!! By the way, do they just assume that all runners are morning people? Why are these things so early in the morning? I turned on my music and that was it. At this point everything else is gone. I am surrounded by people but it means nothing. It's just me and my music. But it was still cold....hate that part. I never hear the starting signal. By that point I am always lost in my music. I just start moving when the people in front of me move. We cross the line and start to spread out. This is where I always want to just start sprinting and go, but I know that would be dumb since I can't sustain it for long. I am really working on pacing myself outdoors, I seem to have a hard time with this. So I am running and I am doing pretty well, all the fast people have cleared out and I have space to move without getting elbowed. I do pretty well for awhile then my knee starts to hurt. This has been a big fear of mine since I have started running. I have a knee problem and I have been waiting for it to start bothering me since I have started working out. But it didn't hurt that badly, just a little pain. I can deal with that. Not too worried since I know there was snow coming in today. (Yes at 26 I have a weather knee...I feel like I am 80) My shins felt great, my feet felt great, but my butt did hurt. I didn't realize that running was such a workout on your butt....total tmi there but oh well. Compared to my post on puking that's nothing. I didn't even have my usual side pain. Everytime I run outside Iget a horrible side pain. But not yesterday. It seemed like pretty quickly I was coming up the the 1 mile marker and I was still running. This has never happened before, I always have to walk a bit before then because of the side pain and not being able to breathe. But, one mile outdoors and still going.....

Then it all crashed. I got passed....passed by two people speed walking. I was like what the f*ck!!! I am running, I know I am not fast or good, but these people are speed walking and just passed me!!! That was the start of the end. About a minute later my gps apparently stopped working because the lady in my ear told me the time was 15 minutes and I had gone a distance of 0.0 miles at a pace of 0.0 miles per hour. I was getting mad and I started thinking about the last race when I was second to last. And I got even more upset. Since I was already going down the path, I started thinking about the fact that several of Ashley's family members were coming out to see her cross the finish line. I mean, she as running 10.3 miles, people should see this, but just knowing that once again there was going to be no one there to watch me...it was just the icing on the cake. I got really upset and couldn't breathe and and then I just decided that my little knee pain was too much and I quit. I just stopped. I said f*ck it I don't care. I GOT PASSED BY WALKERS!!!! As I stood there just being mad and upset I realized I was still going to have to get back to the finish line anyway, so I started walking. I forced myself to calm down because honestly I couldn't breathe and I didn't want to end up going back the finish line via medic escort. Once I was calmed down I started having an internal argument with myself. I was going back and forth about quitting. I rationalized it by saying I have a knee problem I can quit. But then I had a flash of The Biggest Loser episode where they are hanging off the building and Gina just kept repeating "Pain is temporary, quitting is forever". Yes, I know how cheesy, the fat girl running has flashbacks of The Biggest Loser.

My cheesy flashback seemed to do the trick though. I decied that I was not going to quit. I was not going to give up and just walk the whole damn thing. What kind of example will I set for my son if I give up on everything and don't give it my all? So I lost myself in my music, stopped thinking, and  started running again...of course not fast because I am slow. I run, I don't run fast, I don't run well, but I run. I did finish the 5k. My momentary weakness and giving up cost me though. It was my slowest time yet by a minute. But I have learned a lesson.

Running is mental. It is very physical, but that is the easy part. The mental part is my obstacle. I keep telling myself that I am fat that I'm not a good runner that I'm slow. I keep saying it's a joke that I'm out here and I look ridiculous. But, that is something I am working on. I am working on the mental block in front of me. I will not give up I will keep going and someday I will run an entire 5k outdoors without stopping to walk once. I have always had confidence issues, but I will not give up!!!

After I finished I waited by myself awhile, then Ashley's family came and I waited with them and I got to see my bestie finish her longest run to date!!! It was pretty cool watching her come down the finish aisle and just knowing the hard work she has put into this. I know she was nervous too, but she met her goals and killed her time goal by 8 minutes. I am so freaking proud that my bestie is so awesome! So this is me, putting it out there, I don't care if I am good or not, I will not give up!!!!

 This is after our run. I've had an hour to rest, Ashley literally just finished running 10.3 miles and she still looks fabulous!!!

So by 9am yesterday I had a total breakdown, recovered, and finished a 5k....What did you do?

Until next time,

Oshkosh 5k here we come!!! (Well, half marathon for Ashley, cuz she is that awesome!!!)