My loves, and life in general

Hey there blog world,

I have noticed that  many of my posts are on the downer side. Possibly because I have always used "journaling" as a way to vent. It helps me get my thoughts out so that they don't just sit there and spin around inside my head. You see, I work in a setting where it's mostly me and my thoughts all night long, and cheese, thousands of pounds of cheese every night. But I like cheese and paychecks plus they have air conditioning so it's all good, I'm not complaining.  So I've decided to mix it up and fill this whole post with some of the things I love. There are a lot f them so we will just hit on the big ones.

Of course my first love is my little man, Parker. It saddens me that he is growing up and no longer wants to hang out on my lap and sometimes he would rather hang out with Brian to do "guy stuff" rather than hang out with me. But, that's how life goes, can't keep him from growing up.

 Here he is after just getting his yellow belt in tae kwon do. He worked so hard to earn that belt, it took I think about 16 weeks. He just saw this picture and said "hey you should write that I used my sweat, blood and tears to get that belt," so here it is, he used his sweat blood and tears to get that belt. No kidding, there was sweat and some tears, it's frustrating for a 6 year old to have to wait that long to get the pay off for your hard work, but no blood. Can't even tell you how proud I am of him. I love this little guy more than anything, having him has definitely been one of my better choices in life. He is in this phase right now where he never shuts up, which drives me absolutely insane, but I guess it's payback. He may not look like me, but man he sure acts like me....oh boy!!!

Here he is after an after school trip to the ice cream shop. Cuz when it's 93 degrees out in mid September you gotta have some ice cream, you just do.

My second love would be Brian of course. That man is amazing! I don't understand why we are so good together, when you get down to it we don't make much sense, but hey, it works so I don't ask questions. As we all know, I am not fond of my ex husband, but if I hadn't met him my life would have taken another path and I wouldn't have ended up managing the Kiel mobil where I met Brian. Sometimes we have to make the wrong choices in order to end up making the right choices. Brian drives me just nuts enough to keep me happy. We look at things in very different ways, so he always has a suggestion when I am stumped. We disagree....A LOT...but that's ok. For instance, right now we are trying to remodel my living room, it's at a standstill because I want dark flooring and trim and he wants light flooring and trim....UGH!!!! But he pushes me to always be better. He was highly supportive when I wanted to go back to school a year ago.

Had to go all the way back to April to find a pic of him on my phone, he doesn't much like to be picturized. While I was on vacation last week he introduced me to some new music, and I really like it. We don't usually agree on music choices, but I have discovered some good stuff thanks to him.

And then....there's Molly! She is my first ever dog. There were like two points where we had a dog growing up, but it lasted like two weeks then my mom would get rid of them, turns out pets are work and that's not her style. Molly is the perfect addition to our family. She has so much personality and she is just like us.

Besides living things, there are a lot of things in my life that I love. One thing that I love is spending time with my family We enjoy doing things as a family, many of them outdoors. We love things like camping and going to our cabin and four-wheeling. When the weather is nice we love to be outdoors. I love being in the sunshine and fresh air. I'm no farm girl, but I love to get out to the middle of nowhere and just unplug.

So even though I may come off as mean and way serious, if you are allowed in my inner circle, you get to see fun side....like the fact that I would love to just lay in the grass and roll like Molly does! Here's to having a great day and enjoying life!!!!

Self Worth

      Most people that know me well also know that I don't think very highly of myself. Years of being told I wasn't smart enough (even though I graduated 6th in my class) or pretty enough (even though I used to be skinny and looking back, pretty good looking) have taken their toll on me. Sometimes I've let what others say to me hold me back. Sometime the opposite happens and I use it as motivation to prove them wrong.

     For almost the last year I have been on a journey to change to a healthier lifestyle. This has been really hard, as I knew it would be, and I haven't gotten quite to where I would like to be in the last year, but I only have myself to blame for that. When I committed to this journey I started eating better and gave up drinking soda. I was working out almost every day of the week, and I was seeing results. I was losing weight and I could see changes in the way my clothes fit, and I felt a lot better. I had energy and didn't feel tired all of the time. Then someone made a comment and it got to me. I looked at myself and said yeah, they are right, what's the point? I once again totally convinced myself that I wasn't worth the time it would take to get healthy again. I convinced myself that I wasn't worth anything better, and I totally flubbed an entire semester of school.

  I have struggled with this most of my life, but lately it has been really tough. I've been down on myself, I haven't been working out, I've been drinking soda like it's going out of style even though it makes my stomach hurt and makes me gag, and things have been going crappy. But, when you put in crap, what do you expect to get out other than crap? Don't get me wrong, my family is amazing. Parker is doing great, he earned his yellow belt in tae kwon do. Brian as ever is great, he has always said I don't need to change a thing, but really, he didn't know me when I was skinny, so what does he know? My family is great, and my life is great, but I am not great.

    This is what I have decided to take control of. My focus is not only going to be on my physical health, but my mental health as well. After all, my mental health is affecting my journey to physical health. Hopefully this is something I can change. Today I made the decision to get another tattoo. I have actually been toying around with the idea for some time, but didn't know if I could commit to it. After all, once it's there, it's there. I know, kind of hypocritical coming from me who totally regrets my first tattoo..... DO NOT GET A TATTOO AT YOUR KITCHEN TABLE!!!!

   I thought long and hard about this one, how committed am I to this journey that I'm on?

  So here it is, my new tattoo. I have to be committed to this journey, to myself. I haven't been committed to myself in a very long time. I have let what others have told me change me, I have spent too much time trying to please others or prove them wrong. Yes, that is blood in the picture, I took it about an hour after it was done. This is on my foot, in the same form that my flip flop straps go in. When I look down, ( I spend a lot of time looking at my feet) it will serve as my reminder that I am indeed worth it. Worth the time my physical health takes, worth the time my mental health takes, worth doing great things, worth it all.

  And here is my picture from inside the car wash. Man I wish pictures had scent-o-vision because I love the smell of the tricolor foam. When we got out of the carwash Parker said, "let's do that again" and I honestly considered it because that smell is great!